September 2011
“A math teacher (aka: hockey coach) writes on the chalkboard, “Homework do...”
– Story told by my one of my co-workers. She was the kid. I still giggle.
August 2011
I won the Lotto!
OMG!! I just won 8 billion dollars in the South African Lottery!!
All I have to do is send them my bank account number!
I’m so excited! This sounds totally legit!!
(This message has been a broadcast of the Sarcasm Network: SNARK. Brought to you by generous donations from Starbucks, Intl., and Swedish Fish—the snack that wiggles back.)
Phone report
I crawled in bed and discovered a few things.
There had been a power outage today.
The battery in my clock was dead
I only have one 9volt battery left (and I’m out of nipple clamps) (sorry Ron)
I know its a good battery because I licked it.
I discovered it really wasn’t dead because the new one didn’t work so I licked the old one and it was fine.
My tongue now itches.
...
overheard in public →
THIS!! Thank you!
peaceofsarah:
a family of 5 were sitting around a table eating ice-cream. the mom picks up the wrapper of the ice-cream the oldest girl, about 10 years old, and reads that it has 460 calories and then proceeds to tell her that it will take her 3 hours to “work it off” ********* all i could think was what the…
Anti-Inflammatory
So my trainer tells me that a serving of salmon with a little olive oil on top has the same anti-inflammatory properties as a serving of Advil.
Well slap me with a …
In other news, my muscles (all 850 of them) hurt. And yes, I whined like a little girl.
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NYC
This weekend is all about getting ready for my trip to New York next weekend. Mani/pedi, cleaning my apartment, making sure the cat will be ok while I’m gone, picking out outfits, deciding if I’m checking luggage or not, etc.
I checked the weather, it’s going to be hot and humid in NY next weekend but at least it’s supposed to be sunny. I am praying very hard everything...
For my friends, family and loved ones on the East...
Please know that I am thinking of you all. I have very dear friends who will be directly in the path of this bitch, Irene. I’m praying everything goes ok. Please know that I love you— you know who you are.
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And if there are locusts in NYC next weekend Imma be mad. I’m not ready for the 3rd sign of the apocalypse dang it!! I have vacation!!
“My mother once said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t...”
– Zips It
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What makes you happy?
There is always something that deep down gives us an intense joy. Beyond friends, beyond family, beyond our jobs, beyond anything material.
Last year was a hard year for me. One by one, things that had made me happy were slowly taken away. It can be a very frightening thing, and it can make you feel hopeless and out of control.
I kept asking myself over and over what can I have, what thing...
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Men are idiots.
One of the things I’ve learned, is that when they’re scared of feeling true emotions they suddenly become busy as all hell.
“Oh I’m sorry, baby. I’ve been meaning to call/write/text/send naked pictures but I’ve been so swamped with work.” The more emotionally entangled they are, the worse the panic is. And if you bust them on it, and ask if they want to...
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5 tags
Find Your Core
I met with my trainer today for the first time. I’m ridiculously glad she was late and we only had half an hour instead of the full hour.
She’s teeny, of course, and I don’t mean just skinny. She barely clears 5 feet and has muscles on her muscles. Prior to becoming a mom and training at my club, she trained Elite Force Marines. I guarantee every single Marine laughed at her...
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I meet with my trainer tonight.
Considering I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night and have meetings all day, this should be interesting. HA!
Wish me luck…
Quotes out of Context
(Names withheld to protect the innocent.)
Them: It’s awful. I know it’ll probably end up being better than Born & Raised though.
Me: Hey! Never underestimate my Grammy Award-winning boyfriend!
Me: You know… Chad.
Them: I’m not—I meant the cover!!
Me: *falls over laughing*
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Date me New York
I’m looking over all the little touristy packages you can buy for New York.
I think I’ve decided the most romantic date thing ever would be a helicopter ride over the city in the dark.
There is just something about seeing all the city lights that pulls at my heart. New York is just so incredibly beautiful all lit up and lady-like.
Probably because you don’t notice all the...
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Enormity
People think it means:
Enormous.
Actually means: Outrageous or heinous on a grand scale.
War crimes are enormities. Extra-big bouncy castles are not.
Should you care? This is one of those words you really don’t need to be using anyway, unless you’re giving a speech at the U.N. Just remember that if you say to your girl, “I hope you’re prepared for the enormity of my...
“Someone once said -“There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all...”
– (via soul-surfer)
Word!
You're Fire'd
So I was lazy (hey it’s Sunday) and didn’t hop in the shower until noon-ish today. Just as I was stepping out of the shower, the fire alarms started to go off. It annoyed me. They’ve gone off before and it’s been false alarm so I finished getting dressed. I figured even if the building were really on fire I wasn’t going to want to be running around all naked outside,...
On Mice & Men
At the end of my date last Thursday night I’d gotten the awkward, “please-don’t-think-I’m-interested” hug. At this stage in my life I’ve gotten so many of them, I can see them coming a mile away. This morning I got the “I”m damaged and it’s better this way, trust me” email. (I haven’t talked to him since Thurs., already figuring it...
3 Hour Tour
It’s going to be a hard day to concentrate. Tonight is the company booze & cruise—a 3 hour dinner cruise on Lake Minnetonka. (cue Gilligan’s Island music)
I asked an old friend to be my date since he and I have gotten back into the flirt business with each other again. It’s been well over a year since his divorce now and he’s feeling a little more inclined to stick a...
Friends, Lovers or Nothing: Math Version
If x = <Yes, Yes = No, If x = <Stay, Stay = Go, If x = < I love you, x = lying
.
And yes, I stole this from a Wookiee.
{edit add} The slightly older more math inclined one.
“A friend said to me, ‘Hey you need to grow a pair. Grow a pair,...”
– (via Tara bunnyears) 